How Do You Like Me Now? – Holly Bourne

Posted in Books, Five Star, Reviews
on August 16, 2018

Guys, I think I’ve finally cracked it.

I’ve finally found a hyped book that I actually like!

I know, nobody is more surprised than I am. And I went in full sceptical, only to find myself hooked by about page five.

I received an ARC in exchange for an honest review. 

How Do You Like Me Now? By Holly Bourne is a fast-paced, contemporary novel, in equal parts funny and heartbreaking.

In her twenties, Tori Bailey wrote a memoir come self-help book entitled ‘Who the fuck am I?’ , which propelled her to social media stardom, as a lifestyle guru and all round envy of all. She seems to have it all. Now in her thirties, she’s struggling to write her follow up book, as the happily ever after she wrote about is unravelling day by day.

It goes without saying that between your twenties and your thirties, things change. Your friends change, their priorities change, and the things you once thought were wonderful don’t seem that way anymore – and sometimes the things you once thought were awful don’t seem so bad. Holly Bourne really captures this feeling of change and uncertainty in a very neat way – and a way which feels particularly visceral and real. This novel is, in many ways, the story of Tori Bailey realising that the world does not necessarily move at her pace, and things change whether you want them to or not.

There is a sort of hubris at play. Tori is not an unlikeable character, not by a long way, but because of the life she’s led, she does assume that most people envy her and want her lifestyle. She is somewhat shocked when faced with the realisation that people don’t. When her best friend (who, though she never says it in quite so many words, Tori clearly regards as less cool, less pretty, less thin, and therefore unable to be as happy as her) chooses a settled relationship and a family over going out and getting drunk, Tori sees it as a betrayal. There is a lack of empathy for the fact that people might want a baby, a husband, a job which is secure but not necessarily exciting, and that’ll be enough to be content. From this point on it’s a steep learning curve for the woman who is still cashing in on the belief that her life is just a slightly more glamorous version of what it was when she was in her twenties.

Tori’s problem is that she always seems to be chasing the next big dream – aka the way of capturing her fan’s attention, and Instagram likes. And it is quite clearly apparent why quite early in the book. Her relationship with Tom – ‘Rock Man’ from her book – is at its best neglectful and at its worst abusive. There is one particular passage which is hard to read, and is very powerful – you’ll know if when you read it – where Tom’s behaviour moves from disinterest and into abuse of trust. It’s heartbreaking to see how desperate Tori is for him to love her or show her any affection – or really just have a good time with him. As a reader you’re screaming at her to just leave him, but of course, it’s not quite as simple as that. Tori is crippled by the idea of letting her fans down, of losing her dream and fairytale ending. She blames herself for Tom’s behaviour – believing that if she was just a little bit prettier, or more exciting, Tom would come back to her. Tom, in turn, gaslights her and throws her a bone every time she’s about ready to end with him, and generally treats her appallingly. Real life, for Tori, is a vicious circle that is a world away from the fiction she portrays on her social media.

There are times when this novel reminds me of the Black Mirror episode where your social media rating affects everything – your life, your job, where you live… Only it’s as if Tori is the only person who knows she’s in this bubble. She is so afraid of facing the truth because she’s made such a public display of how wonderful everything is. Social media penetrates every moment of her life; if she’s not posting on it, she’s reading it. All her friends are posting their life events on there (babies, weddings, engagements etc etc), as if they’re living a second life on the platform. And for Tori, social media is very much a competition. She’s bet her livelihood on it. She’s consciously made her life public on a scale that none of her friends has, so when it starts to unravel, she feels forced to keep up the appearances.  It’s not quite as narcissistic as I’m making it sound (well, it sort of is), but it’s also desperately sad. Tori is trapped by the walls she has built herself, and though deep down she knows what she needs to do, she is paralysed against doing it. So instead it manifests through her acting out in different ways.

I think it is this which makes Tori so relatable, even though she is a social media celebrity. She’s flawed and she’s sad. Everyone has been in a situation which doesn’t quite feel right – be it a job, a relationship, a lifestyle, a place – and making a decision to change is not an easy one. We’ve all had moments where our lives seem to be switching upside down, our friends are moving on without us, we’re running out of time to achieve everything we want to. Holly Bourne does a very good job of capturing the emotions related to this.  We’ve all said things we don’t mean to our friends. Tori’s feeling of betrayal as her friends move on and she’s forced to look at her life in a new, harsh, life is very visceral. Her feelings are so raw and well written that it made me pause as I was reading.

I was in places moved to tears, in others frustrated and annoyed with the characters. And if that doesn’t capture the feeling of being in your late twenties and early thirties, I don’t know what does. So yes, Tori does occasionally grate on you, she is self obsessed, she is a little vacuous occasionally, but she’s meant to. Bourne manages to write a book about, essentially, “finding yourself” for the second time, without it being twee and preachy. That’s impressive. The ending is open, and I do hope there will be more from Tori. I would love to see her what happens next – and how she recovers her sense of self.

I completely recommend this book, 5 stars (and a couple of tears). 

How to Keep a Secret – Sarah Morgan

Posted in Books, Reviews, Three Star
on June 14, 2018
How To Keep A Secret

 

I received an ARC copy in exchange for a fair review.

I’ve read a couple of Sarah Morgan’s books over the years. How to Keep A Secret is a departure from her previous style – and a welcome one.

The story is based around three generations of women from the Stewart family. Grandmother Nancy has always seemed a little distant to her daughters. Lauren appears to have the perfect family life in London, but her daughter Mack, is starting to act out. Jenna married the perfect man, and seems to have it all. But when tragedy hits, and Lauren finds herself back in her old family home in Martha’s Vineyard, the secrets that have pulled them apart start to unravel.

Each chapter starts from a different perspective, so we know what the characters are hiding before they reveal it to their family. And boy, are there a lot of secrets going on with the Stewarts. You do sometimes wonder if they have ever spoken frankly to one another! It’s devastating at times to see their carefully crafted lives crumbling apart. It takes time, but eventually they all manage to channel their anger, hurt, frustrations, betrayal – I could go on – into something much more positive.

Although positioned as a romance book – and there are romances in it – this is much more a book about family, friendships and moving on from things that seem too big to ever get over (be it a past, a betrayal, or a future plan that seems out of grasp). How one event can shake you to your core and effect your future forever. And mosty, how keeping a secret can harm you, instead of helping.

There is a lot going on in How To Keep A Secret but Martha’s friendship with Alice is one of the elements I wanted to highlight because it has been clearly thought about. In a book like this, if one friend wrongs the other in the way Alice wrongs Martha, she would be unforgivable – unredeemable – from thenceforth stricken from the narrative except to be spoken about in unflattering tones. However, here, Martha tries to rebuild the friendship in quite a positive way. I think that’s a lot more realistic, and a lot more powerful. It showed greater character development and strength from Martha than casting her lifelong friend out would have. It was very enjoyable to read.

A couple of minor points are undeveloped. Lauren’s love interests are a little unbelievable, for different reasons which will become apparent when you read it. The relationship with Scott in particular is altogether rather too convenient. It was a little predictable in parts, and I felt the ending was lacking a little energy compared to the beginning – but that was only a very slight niggle.

I enjoyed that not everything is quite wrapped up in the end, but there is an acceptance that it’s okay for things not to be. So much of the characters’ struggles have been brought about because they desired so much to appear outwardly perfect. Jenna, Lauren, Martha and Mack have been through too much to really have a ‘happy’ ending, but in its place they have found female solidarity, a closer family unit, and found that sharing is better than concealing.

Overall, an enjoyable book, and one I will doubtless re-read, with a couple of limitations. I’d give it three and a half stars if I could, but I can’t so it’ll have to be 3.

Little Liar by Julia Gray

Posted in Books, Four Star
on June 13, 2018

I received an ARC from Penguin Random House UK Children’s in exchange for an honest review.

This book reminded me why I am so fond of Young Adult fiction, despite being (sadly!) now far from technically being in the Young Adult demographic myself these days. I devoured it in two days. It was addictive. And clever. So clever.

Nora, our protagonist, is a little liar. She lies about her father, she lies about the art assistant, she lies to her mother – she can’t seem to stop lying. Her lies get bigger and bigger throughout the novel, and you start to understand a little bit behind why she is the way she is. She’s a troublesome character, there’s something innately likable about her, despite her behaviour, and at times callous actions. One of her charms is that she is acutely aware that the way she is behaving is wrong, yet can’t seem to stop herself. It’s an interesting portrayal of that mixed-up teenage time, where you’re not a child but not quite an adult. And sometimes trying to pretend you’re more grown up than you are, can have undesirable effects.

The novel open with the lie that begins it all, about an incident with the art assistant, Jonah Trace. A lie about the teacher and the student. It’s started out of revenge when he sleights her in class, and escalates, ultimately resulting in his dismissal. Exactly as Nora had planned. This lie is the tipping point in many respects; it changes Nora’s reputation at school, it opens up new avenues for her; she realises the power of lies and believes herself able to control the future. It also starts to eat her up as she realises that when you lie too often, you start to lose a grasp of the truth – and yourself.

When Nora meets Bel, a firecracker of a character, her life changes once more. Bel wants nothing more than to follow her late mother’s footsteps into acting, and drags Nora along for the ride. She’s a flighty, unstable and easily manipulated character, which suits Nora in many ways. Bel introduce Nora to acting – a healthy way to channel her lies – but this opens up a new ambition. She not only wants to act, but she wants to steal Bel’s part. It makes for uncomfortable reading, as Nora tries to manipulate Bel, while Bel’s family look at her as if she’s a saviour come to rescue Bel from herself.

In fact, Nora is somewhere in between the Iago she’s aspiring to be, and the good influence she’s assumed to be. This novel focuses on the shades of grey – no character is wholly good or wholly bad, and that is one of the many things that make this such an interesting book. We’re not always sure if we should like Nora, or whether her behaviour has finally crossed over into the unacceptable. Nora, indeed, is often harder on herself than the reader is. Her reaction to Mr Trace, though fairly emotionless in the carrying out of her plan, is fraught with guilt and wretchedness after he has been dismissed. And yet, even when we learn the truth, he still seems very much more the guilty party, and not someone who should have ever been teaching in school. His behaviour is dangerous and predatory. The game that Nora was playing was a risky one, but it worked. By honey trapping him (not that he took much encouragement) she perhaps saved a more vulnerable person from a difficult situation.

Of course, Nora doesn’t see it like that. She is all too acutely aware that she started that game out of pure vengeance and so even if the outcome is for the greater good, she cannot quite forgive herself for it. It is this that makes Nora such a human character. She doesn’t necessarily set out to be unkind or do such horrible things, but she gets caught up in the moment and forgets to think about consequences. Indeed, the moment when she realises quite how far down the rabbit hole she’s fallen, is a particularly poignant one.

This is also, then, a story about grief. About Nora’s grief, her mother’s grief – of the ghosts of the past that haunt them (almost literally, when her mother decides to visit a psychic). You come to realise that the reason Nora lies so much is because some truths are just too much to bear. It is also about the grief of missed potential – of what might have been, of what people give up without realising they have. There is so much going on, and so many shades of characters – everyone has some darkness in them, but everyone also has some light. Nora concentrates on her negative traits, seeing herself as a puppet master who works people for her own ends, and underestimates her good traits.

There is so much more I could write about Little Liar as it is packed full. It is an unique story – one that I enjoyed very much. It devastated and thrilled me in equal parts, as Nora started to learn that lies can always be unpicked – but real truth is in power. I didn’t see the end coming, though I suspect on a second read I might pick up a few more hints. It’s a well written book, with well observed, unpredictable characters. I’d recommend to anyone who asked. Four stars.

Being censored

Posted in Opinion
on June 8, 2018

 

This is a little different to my normal blogs. This is for a couple of reasons. A) I want to open up the content of this blog a little and B) this is something that’s really gotten under my skin.

I was asked to censor myself today. No – that’s not strictly true, I was advised to censor myself. To ‘tread carefully’, to not mention something, to keep my feelings to myself. I’m not going to go into details because it’s complicated and frankly they’re boring. All I will say is that it was in the context of a private conversation – and one where I was hardly going to jump right in in size 10 doc martens.

I was advised this way, I think, to save potential embarrassment for someone who had actually acted in a bullying and aggressive manner towards me.

He is male.

I am female. And, more to the point, I am a female who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions and working out what details are appropriate to be shared and what are not. My adviser meant well (he is, I should point out, not the bullying character) – but why did he feel the need pass comment in the first place? Why should one person’s desire not to rock the boat trump someone else’s desire to get advice and help over a situation that is decidedly not right?

(It is hard to explain without going into too many details. Bear with me).

My point really is, would he have advised a male in the same way? Perhaps so – I can’t know for sure but I suspect not. But perhaps, even if he had, that male wouldn’t have been advised multiple times throughout nearly every day to keep certain opinions to themselves.

I’m asked to censor myself quite a bit. This is sort of a by-product of being an opinionated person. And again, it mostly comes from well-meaning males, who wish to save me, or someone else embarrassment. I do comply sometimes – I would never be knowingly rude to someone. I also try to steer clear from starting conversations about topics that are controversial, but they do come up (of course they do!). Time and time again, I feel the expectation to either apologise for my opinion, or hold back what I really think. There are times when it’s appropriate to sit back and nod, but the older and grumpier I get, the more I think that, actually, censoring yourself does more harm than good.

(I am less likely to sit back and nod these days).

I don’t want to gratuitously jump on a bandwagon here, but the male/female dynamic – especially at work – is something I deal with, and have to accommodate every day. Women are constantly told to change the way they communicate, to try and adapt so they come across in a different way, and to be understanding when a man doesn’t treat them with respect. But does this work the other way too? I’m not so sure it does. My ‘no’ when it comes to meetings or social events after work seems negotiable. My male counterparts is not.

Censorship is not a uniquely female issue of course, and I am lucky enough to live in a very liberal culture where by and large I can say what I like without repercussion. I don’t take this for granted. And the rising issue of men’s mental health is certainly not helped by censorship in the form of toxic masculinity and hiding their feelings.

However, the message I seem to get is that when men are advised to censor themselves, it’s to ‘save the woman’s feelings’. But when a woman is advised similarly, it’s with the warning that ‘because if you don’t, it’ll have bad repercussions for you’. A subtle, but important difference. And it plays out all over the place – work, play, personal life – well meaning men give me unsolicited advice as to how I should present myself. I can’t think of a time that I would have done the same to them.

It leads to a lot of introversion too – particularly at work. ‘Perhaps if I’d have phrased that email in a different way, we’d not be in this situation.’ ‘Perhaps if I had done XYZ, he wouldn’t get so frustrated that he shouted.’, ‘Perhaps I should be the bigger person and meet them over half way.’ Compromise is, of course, a fact of life. But it’s only compromise when it’s on both sides. A woman who refuses to change her mind on something work related is often seen as hysterical, emotional, difficult, unreasonable. A man? All too often they’re seen in the same situation as strong and decisive.

So while there is a place for being considerate, and kind, and not deliberately upsetting people, please trust me to have the intelligence, the tact, the social understanding to make my own decisions about what I speak about and to whom. Sometimes, the boat needs to be rocked. Let me decide when I’m going to do that.

I didn’t end up censoring myself, by the way. And the world hasn’t yet come crumbling down. And maybe tomorrow I’ll have the confidence to tell my would-be-censors exactly why I am no longer going to follow their advice. We’ll see.